Festus Miracle Championship Parade News Report

Festus, MO – (Reuters)  On Sunday, November 26, 2006, the streets of Festus, Missouri flowed with home-brewed grain alcohol as the 2006 Summer League Champion Festus Miracle celebrated their Spit Cup victory with a parade that stretched from the Wal Mart parking lot to the town square.  The students of the Laiben School of Cosmetology donated their services to the members of the Miracle, who looked great and felt even better.  Unfortunately, some of the telephone numbers exchanged between players and students turned out to be standard fakes, although it is not clear who was giving whom fake numbers.  As one of the young cosmetologists in training told this reporter after getting a close look at Juan Rincon:  “Yama-hama.  It’s fright night.”

  Spit Cup Finals MVP Jermaine Dye, respendent in a denim vest, told the assembled masses that the big metal buttons on his vest symbolized the big RBIs that he had in the series.  “Having been called out in the Festus 40 Game Report, I knew that I had to pick it up in the second half of the season,” said Dye.  Speaking of fashion, Ichiro Suzuki was seen showing off his new Spit Cup replica cufflinks to friends.  “That isn’t a french-cuff shirt, Ichiro,” said Scott Linebrink.  “I know,” said Ichiro, “I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener.”   

Willie Bloomquist, one of the heroes of the Game 2 comeback that changed the entire series, appeared to have had a little bit too much to drink, challenging Festus City Council Member William Earl Cook to a footrace.  “You might not know it too look at me, but I can run really, really fast,” said Bloomquist.  Although Bloomquist was disappointed at not being named to the all-finals first team, he took some comfort in the fact that he had been named to the Reggie Cleveland All Star team.   

Game 5 hero Noah Lowry delighted the crowd by performing a dance on stage that could only be described as “Mark Madsenesque”.  After having performed poorly the majority of the regular season, Lowry and Bloomquist both came up big when it mattered most, prompting some to theorize that the two might be “Two Faces.”  Like the Batman villian, if that helps you. 

Festus Miracle owner/manager David Basler told the media that in honor of his team’s first SL title, he was making a sizeable donation to the Human Fund.  “Money for people, that’s what it’s all about,” said Basler.  When asked what they thought of the donation, one knowledgeable bystander observed that, like Basler himself:  “It [the Human Fund] has a certain understated stupidity.”

Basler also told reporters that he had put a sawbuck on the franchise to repeat as champs in 2007.  The team, which as relocated south to Mississippi, will be known as the Pellahatchie Pennypackers. 

  Although most of the participants in the parade appeared quite joyous, there was one sad note to the festivities.  Team Equipment Manager Yosh Kawano, Jr. missed the parade after eating an entire platter of cocktail franks during the post-game locker room celebration.